“MY DAD” – STARMER’S SPEECH IN A NUTSHELL

STARMER’S first speech to conference, apart from apparently having been designed to send those listening to sleep, was peppered throughout with talk of “my dad” and occasionally his mum too, his speech writer obviously thinking it might relate to those of us who work for a living.

I’m not even going to try to count how many times he mentioned his dad, but if you weren’t listening (and if you weren’t I envy you) it was a lot.

But there was more. Honest guv. According to what has to be one of the most inept leaders Labour has ever had, the NHS is facing a big “moment’ and all schoolchildren should take part in competitive sports.

I’m finding it difficult to contain my excitement. He is going to solve every problem, from police to education to the climate crisis. It will surely be the utopia we all expected after Brexit had been implemented. Though he didn’t really say just how these problems would be solved, but I guess that might be in danger of being an actual policy.

You’ll be pleased to know we do apparently have it in our grasp to do all of this, to “be the change we need” because Blair did it and although we are supposed to be going forward with the good Sir at the helm we must forever be looking backwards, even past Blair and back to the industrial revolution.

There are plenty of us who lived through Blair’s era and it was certainly not all wine and roses. Indeed, most of us ran out of wine a couple of years into his government and the New Labour rose began to pall as well.

In between sips of water he also praised Mark Drakeford, maybe hoping Drakeford’s successes in Wales will somehow rub off onto him, which led him neatly onto Scotland (where he managed to snipe at the SNP, saying they walk in step with the Tories) and how it is far better if this very disunited kingdom remains united. Sorry Keir, that ship has sailed.

It sailed with the Brexit you helped enable, the Brexit you voted for.

When he praised the armed forces, saying: “Our military put themselves in harm’s way to protect our security. I am proud of them and proud of the work they did for us in Afghanistan” I was again a little sickened. Proud of the work they did in Afghanistan? Really? The disaster that was our time in Afghanistan is praiseworthy?

People actually stood up and applauded when he had finished. Did they pump something into the air in the conference hall? I mean, come on! A speech full of nothing and they cheer. I guess that’s what happens when you ban any dissenting voices. There were people heckling at times throughout the speech but I would have liked to see all but the PLP – because who wants to be on the same side as that duplicitous bunch? – just get up and walk out.

Perhaps they would have been stopped by the many police in attendance.

So, to sum up: 

The Tories are fairly shit really.

Labour is the party of the union.

Labour won’t commit to a proper pay rise for nurses.

Labour will tackle discrimination (just not in the PLP).

We are patriots.

Labour won’t back a £15 minimum wage.

Labour will remake the nation.

There you have it – Starmer’s vision. Electrifying isn’t it? I find myself pining for John Major.