ROYALS: WHAT ARE THEY GOOD FOR?

 

AWWW, how can we not all love Prince Andrew? Giving money to a woman he apparently has never met. Isn’t that just what we expect from the always-giving royal family? I am awaiting a knock on my door right now to see how much I’ll be getting.

I don’t get this hatred of that lovely family, people calling for a republic etc. Do they expect queenie to just go off and live in only one mansion for the whole of the year? Who amongst you does not wonder which of your homes you will travel to in order to stave off the cold of winter, or even to go to for a spot of good old-fashioned hunting of animals who probably shouldn’t be on their/your land anyway? They’re just asking to be slaughtered, roaming around in the countryside as if that’s in some weird way a natural thing to do.

We should be applauding this ever-so-helpful family for ridding us of these animals. (I mean, does it really matter that they’re beautiful creatures doing no harm? Really? Wouldn’t you rather see a photo of that Kate woman in the tabloids, with a pheasant dangling from her arm?) I bet they spend just as much time going about the beaches and  countryside picking up litter.

And they do so much more for us. Even if you can’t afford your own telly you can always pop around and look through a neighbour’s window to see one of them taking time out of what must be incredibly busy days, to shake a few hands – sometimes even in other countries! Have we become such a selfish society that we would begrudge this old biddy, her children and grandchildren etc (they are rather a big family aren’t they?) free trips around the nation they so clearly love and care about? And don’t tell me they lord it over us with all that wealth; they’re just showing us what we too could achieve with a bit of hard work and a large inheritance. It’s called incentivising us goddam it.

It worked with me. I remember seeing queenie one winter a few years ago. I was freezing and noticed she had a lovely warm coat, gloves, and even a hat. A hat! I immediately took myself off to Harrods and nicked myself a lovely coat of my own. Still no hat, but I hope to get one upon my release from Holloway.

Don’t we read, almost every week, of this family giving to charities, helping out at food banks, giving their spare bedding to the homeless? We don’t? But surely they do. I mean… I mean… what do they do if not help us in our time of need?

I can see I need to completely re-evaluate my take on queenie and co. Surely it’s her duty to look after ‘her’ subjects’? Otherwise, what are they there for? No, please tell me, why do we have a royal family?

Anyone?

Btw: if you're wondering what the image at the top is, it's a parasitized caterpillar. We're the caterpillar in case you were still trying to work that out.